Oct 10, 2009

I'm terrible at this

I've had this blog for some time now & have yet to post anything.  I really want to give this another shot though.  It is very likely nobody will read this, but that's not the point.  I think I need an outlet like this.  I need a place where I can ramble about nothing at all & not care if it's grammatically correct or for that matter, politically correct.  Speaking of politics, did President Obama really win the Nobel Peace Prize?  Really?!  He had just taken office when the nomination deadline came in February.  He hadn't even had time to redecorate his bedroom at the White House, much less effect change worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize.  I want President Obama to succeed.  I want every one of our Presidents to succeed, if success means a better America.  I just think we might be jumping the gun in honoring President Obama as the greatest man to walk the planet.

I digress... only a couple of sentences in to my first blog & the rambling has already began.  You should probably get used to that.  Sorry.  Now, this may be the last apology I make on here.  At least I want it to be, but it likely won't be.  I care too much about what you think of me, so I'll probably feel like apologizing a lot.  I want to be able to write something that is intimate, vulnerable & real.  I want to write what I'm really thinking, even if it's wrong and not feel like I have to make apologies for it.  I don't want to filter myself like I always do.  I don't want to feel like I always have to try & be spiritual or profound or right or PC.  I want to be secure enough to not care if  that lowers someone's opinion of me.

The reality is that I am a weak, broken, insecure person that really needs Jesus to have any hope of "normalcy" in life.  I have tons of doubts & fears at times. I don't want to fail so I often don't even try.  I'm selfish & prideful.  I'm insecure.  Even as I write this now, I'm afraid that you'll read it & think I'm pathetic.  You probably won't because you're broken too, but the truth is, apart from the redeeming grace of Jesus, I am pathetic.  Any good qualities, strengths or characteristics that I may embody are only present because Jesus lives inside of me. Jesus said that He is the vine & we are His branches and that apart from Him we can do nothing.  Man, my life is a testament to that.  Without Jesus, I'm a solid mess.  We all are & we all know it, but my insecurity tells me that I can't let anyone see it.  I have to smile & say everything is okay.  Well, it's not always okay.  Life & all its struggles is hard & sometimes sucks.  I'm not saying that I should start allowing myself to whine & moan and be all "Woe is me", but I am saying I need to stop acting like I've got it all figured out.  I don't.  I actually have SO little figured out.  I feel like Paul when he said "I know nothing but Christ & Him crucified" or something like that. You get the point.  I know that I love God & owe all I have and more to Him.  I know that life sucked without Him & now I have hope for the future.  Before Jesus I was a drug-addicted, depressed, lonely, angry mess.  Now I am none of those things, except for the mess part.  I'm still a mess, but now I have peace.  Even with all my crap & doubts & fears, I have peace.  I have a spiritual family that puts up with me & loves me in spite of my crap.  I owe them so much...  I am such a jerk sometimes.  My insecurities bleed all over them and make a mess of things & they still love me.  It baffles me.  In fact, most everything about Jesus baffles me.

Well, I wrote a lot more than I intended to.  I think I just kept writing because it would delay me from having to hit the "Publish Post" button at the bottom of my screen.  It's big & orange and taunting me.  Well, let's just get this over with...

From my blog at:  http://likeaburningfire.blogspot.com/

1 comment:

Jesse Skinner said...

This is quite possibly the best blog I have read in a long time. I laughed, I cried, I praised Jesus. Thank you brother, I won't judge you because I too am a mess 98% of the time!